Silence...

Today, I still experienced the impact of violent words, the impact of violent acts ...
which resonate for a long time under my skin, in the beating of my veins, in the pieces of my heart...

Today, who is supposed to be my mother hit me and insulted me. Again.

Today, I think about the first time I heard the heart-beat of my daughter.

Today, I close my mind, and concentrate me to find how the words "tenderness", "sweetness", "caress", "light touch", "quiet" could birth again in me.

I wonder how I'm able to express those words, how I'm able to know and love put into action those words.

I have known and know today the opposite with those who are supposed to be ... my family.

I am completely shocked, again.
terrified.
again.
I trembled for several hours.
I vomited.

I remember the words and the look of the cop when I complained, the scared, already shot, saying to myself that justice would never be done and I was not safe.

he didn't believe me.

it's useless to return...

I think only go away as fast and as far away as possible with my daughter.

my mother has never defended me when my father was wrong.
today, she told me I was worse than him, that I was a manipulator.
She hit me like him 4 years ago, left side, but few strokes, with less agility, in the car.
Yet it was the same hatred, the same anger, even madness in his eyes, the same words:

"What actress" when I was in tears and panicked

"You want some more?" threatening to hit me again

"That's all you deserve"

the same "words" of my childhood which resurface


I waited for someone to come help me for years.
No one will ever, nothing will ever be repaired.



I have no family, except that I build: my daughter.
I have to find all the strength I have left to protect us.



I dream of a bubble of silence when I let the sadness comes gently beyond me,
Transfigure.
Say pain.
Find out how to "say".

I dream of the machine used by Mia Frye in The Dancer.
A machine that produces sounds, depending on the movement.

Speak a language that looks like me, where I have no hindrance...

Return to the path of the gesture ... Sound ... Communication...

Bonne fête de la musique...